(WARNING: THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!)
(THE SCENE: Outside the X-MEN’s mansion. LL SOARES has a bullhorn)
LS: Come out, come out whoever you are! I know there’s got to be more X-Men in there than just Colossus!
(Turns to face the audience) Oh, hi. You kind of crept up on me there. Here I am, trying to get the X-Men riled up so maybe we can have a little action this time in the column. But they’re not taking the bait. Either that, or nobody’s home.
(A figure finally emerges from the house. It’s DAN KEOHANE, with metal skin)
LS: It’s IRON DAN!
DK: Titanium, actually. You’re wasting your time, by the way. Nobody’s here except me.
LS: You’re an X-Man now?
DK: Trainee. They make me wear a shirt that says it and everything. It’s kind of embarrassing.
LS: Well, why don’t you take a break from house-sitting and review the new movie with me?
DK: DEADPOOL 2? Sure. I haven’t got anything better to do.
LS: Gee, thanks for the enthusiasm.
DL: No offense. It’s just that the X-Men don’t give me anything to do. I could use a distraction.
LS: Okay, great. I’ll start.
For the record, I loved the original DEADPOOL movie (I gave it three and a half knives – I’m surprised I didn’t give it more, check out the review here). It was a real breath of fresh air among all the formulaic superhero movies that Marvel and DC were putting out at the time. Not to say those other movies were bad, they were just a bit predictable. DEADPOOL, by definition, was unpredictable and fun. And the superhero genre needed a shot in the arm. Still does.
Of course, DEADPOOL was a huge hit and the rest is history. And now, we’ve got the inevitable sequel, DEADPOOL 2. A movie I was really excited about.
DK: Me, too. I tried not to watch the trailers, but they were too funny not to, unfortunately like all trailers they gave a lot of the fun stuff away. Not all, but I hate going in knowing too much about a movie. Still, I was pretty excited to see this. I agree, the original DEADPOOL was refreshing, both in its approach to the fourth wall, and the R-rated-ness of the violence and language.
LS: In fact, I’d even heard some buzz that Number 2 was even better than the first one! Wow! I couldn’t wait...but that buzz was wrong.
DK: I didn’t expect it to be better. To be honest, few sequels (such as TERMINATOR 2, 1991, and ALIENS, 1986, ever have been), but I did expect it to be fun.
LS: For the record, T2 wasn’t better than the first one. It just had a bigger budget. And it introduced the whole “Arnold, you’re not allowed to kill anyone” bullshit. I hated that! ALIENS was good, but not better than ALIEN (1979). Although, compared to everything ALIEN-related that came after ALIENS, it was a pretty good sequel.
DK: T2 was light years better, but I’ll give you ALIENS wasn’t better, but just as good.
LS: So, back to DEADPOOL 2. Let’s start out with the story. I actually thought the plot for this new one kinda sucked. We begin, pretty early on, with something really sad happening (I won’t say what) and it brings all the comedic, fun stuff to a grinding halt.
DK: Yes! Though I figured what happened would happen—there was too much of a setup you see in so many movies—it wasn’t surprising. And there was never an explanation as to who the culprits were.
LS: They were the drug dealer bad guys he started the movie off fighting with! You need to pay attention. But man, DEADPOOL movies are supposed to be fun. And this early tragedy was kind of a buzzkill. I know it was meant to add gravitas to the whole thing. But I don’t go to a DEADPOOL movie for gravitas.
Then, our buddy Deadpool becomes a trainee X-Man thanks to Colossus bringing him into the fold. This should be really funny, and there are some good moments, but then we come to his first big assignment. Trying to calm down a kid who shoots fire from his hands, named Russell (Julian Dennison), calling himself Firefist.
If you thought that “tragic event” early on brought things to a halt, then you haven’t met Firefist. He hits the movie’s brakes in a screeching, whiplash-causing way. Because, frankly, the kid sucks. As a character, as a plot device, as a potential villain, I absolutely hated this kid. And, jokes on me, because he’s a MAJOR player in the movie, so I’m gonna see a lot of him. Whether I want to or not.
I say “not.”
DK: Did you have a bad week or something?
LS: No, just had my expectations crapped on, is all.
DK: In a way, we all expected the tone throughout to be goofy, violent fun, with no darkness filtering through the script’s light, to be poetic for a moment. Maybe all this dark stuff was deliberate, a way to shatter the expectations of the die-hard fans.
LS: There’s dark for a purpose, and then there’s dark just to tug at our heartstrings in a sappy way. Oh boy, this off-the-wall wacky character can cry, too. Gee, isn’t that precious. Frankly, I can do without that.
DK: I didn’t have as much of an issue with Russell. I understand why he was in the plot based on what happens in the earlier scene, and it gives Wade Wilson (Deadpool’s actual name, following the comic book penchant for using alliteration for names) motivation to live throughout the plot. One thing I liked about the casting was that this kid isn’t your typical child character. He’s a tad overweight, not well spoken, and for some odd reason developed a New Zealand accent halfway through.
LS: I had no problem with the actor played Firenose. It’s his character I despised. And the whole Edgy-Character-Bonds-With-Misunderstood-Kid crap. The kid works with the plot, because the plot was lame. Reminds me of that little girl in LOGAN (2017), except I didn’t mind her as much. First off, she was a better actor. Second, she actually had some edge to her. But what’s with all these R-rated superhero movies and bonding with kids? Just strikes me as a bit odd. You remove restraints on language and violence and then add emotional ones. Save that for the PG-13 crowd. I want ANARCHY!
DK: Are you done with the tirade?
LS: Yeah, sure. Where was I? When things go awry during the stand-off, because it just has to if Deadpool is involved, both the “Merc with a Mouth” (don’t all mercenaries have mouths?) and Firethumb…
LS: …whatever, getting his name right isn’t high on my “to do” list for today. They end up in some mutant-unfriendly prison where they have collars on their necks to negate their powers and are pretty much mistreated by the “humans” who run the place. Although they’re not very humane. Gosh, no wonder mutants hate us.
DK: I was starting to get concerned here. Not sure why them being thrown into mutant prison bothered me, and it makes sense to further the plot that this kid was going to be forced to the “dark side” as it were, by his treatment thus far. But I went with it. Besides, I was a little distracted at this point because the tick I’d pulled out of my pant leg at the beginning of the movie and flicked towards the people a couple of rows up came back and was crawling back on my ankle. Those things die harder than Deadpool.
LS: Remind me not to go to the movies with you.
Anyway, in prison, Deadpool is still riffing on that earlier tragedy, and isn’t really into self-preservation and actually doesn’t care if he dies in the big house. But, for some inexplicable reason, he does care about Firefinger.
DK: Fire… never mind.
LS: So, he tries to look out for the kid. Maybe he sees something of himself in the tyke. Or maybe he just has to follow the sub-par script.
That’s when Nathan Summers (Josh Brolin) pops up from the future, intent on killing Firebutt because the kid grows up to be some major badass supervillain in the future who kills his family. Oh, and Nathan goes by the superhero name of Cable, because – I guess the name Direct TV was already taken.
DK: I assume his original comic creator figured since he was a cyborg with “cables” and gears it was a fitting (and catchy in a marketing way) name.
LS: Yeah, keep telling yourself that. I bet they just called him that because they thought it was a cool name. And, I guess it kinda is.
Anyway, Robocop ™ walks around with humungous guns trying to kill Firebum, and Deadpool tries to stop him, while contending with that collar that makes his powers unworkable. I guess Deadpool figures that if he dies, he dies, since he’s already suicidal anyway.
DK: That’s another interesting—if a bit of a down—thing about the film. Deadpool just doesn’t want to be alive. He tries, and succeeds, in blowing himself to pieces in the opening scene, but since he can’t die, this is his chance to finally make it permanent, since with his “powers” he’s again dying of stage 4 cancer.
LS: Now, it’s bad enough that I don’t like our buddy Firefarts, and that he’s a MAJOR player here in Deadpool land. But then Cable finally shows up—the big, badass guest star of the movie—and what is he here for? He’s hunting down Firefist! Which makes the kid even more important to the plot. And, in turn, makes it all about him, as Deadpool tries to keep the kid alive.
DK: I’m beginning to think you might have had an issue with Russell’s character. Just a feeling. Again, I thought he was fine, and a different take on the hero trying to save a young ‘un. If you want a better comparison, the storyline reminded me of THE INCREDIBLES (2004) more than anything else. (“Go home, Buddy”)
LS: Another family-friendly flick comparison. I don’t see DEADPOOL movies for family-friendly.
DK: But he says right at the start that it’s family-friendly!
LS: I thought that was a joke.
Has anyone noticed that the whole Cable-comes-from-the-future-to-kill-Russell storyline is a complete retread of the plot of TERMINATOR? Well yeah, sure, the movie itself notices, and Deadpool makes a lot of wisecracks about it, but it doesn’t change the fact that this plot is a total boring ripoff of another movie. At one point, Deadpool turns to the audience (in a kind of unrelated conversation) and says “Now that’s just lazy writing.”
DK: Well, oh, comic history guru, don’t forget Cable is from the future in the comics, except he uses a flying spaceship/tardis thing to bounce back and forth between his time and ours.
LS: Actually, it’s some kind of gizmo on his arm. Unless we saw a different movie.
DK: Funny you mention that line about lazy writing, because Deadpool says that in the trailer for something entirely different, and the trailer quip was funnier. He used this line twice, actually. So, between the trailer and film, the line was used three times. (Now that IS lazy writing).
LS: This movie has too much lazy writing. For real. That’s the problem.
DK: Let’s take a break from LL’s anger issues for a moment so I can be whiny about something, too. And this might surprise you. One aspect of the first DEADPOOL movie was how Wade aka Deadpool constantly breaks the “fourth wall” by talking to the audience, and going farther than some TV shows that do it all the time by talking as if he’s in a movie, a Marvel movie, and going completely out of character. Of course, he does it here, too, but, I felt, way too often. The jokes about the X-Men, and the Marvel universe, and DC comics, etcetera, were funny, but you can’t pull the viewer from the imaginary bubble of the plot so often the story never gets any grounding. Moderation, my friends. Everything in moderation. Granted, “moderation” was probably a curse word in writing this film, but still.
LS: I loved that the jokes pulled me out of the plot. Because, as I may have mentioned, I hated the plot.
DK: You mentioned that? Really?
LS: And it’s bad enough that Josh Brolin plays Cable as this scrawny little guy –
DK: Scrawny little guy? Were you accidentally wearing 3D glasses in the theater? He wasn’t scrawny. Granted, he wasn’t Thanos-CGI’d, but he had some bulk to him.
LS: In the comics he’s bulked up, armored, and pretty formidable, a lot more than he was here. In the movie, he looks like a regular guy with a metal arm. Wow. Scary! Why not just have a crossover with Bucky Barnes!
Anyway, Cable mops up the prison with Deadpool, but he still doesn’t get the kid, who moves on to find another friend who can protect him better. The identity of this big “friend” whose hidden behind a big door in the first part of the movie, is actually one of the best things about the movie, since it’s a character I love and who has been badly portrayed in a previous movie, and this makes up for it.
DK: Boy we are disagreeing about everything in this review aren’t we? Granted, I really liked how this character looked in the last act when he was revealed, but to be honest with such a build up to his identity I expected an actual monster, not a nostalgic old Spider-Man bad guy (I remember him more from Spidey comics). Once I got over that, he was OK, just a bit of a letdown from how much I’d built up my expectations.
LS: Obviously, you’re not a fan of his. Which is fine, but don’t rain on my parade.
Since the movie goes to great pains to hide his identity until the second half, I’m gonna avoid spilling the beans and giving any spoilers. Though this particular spoiler was one of my favorite parts of the movie, and makes up for a lot of the crappy problems with it.
Okay. So, Cable is trying to kill Russell. Deadpool is determined to spring the kid from prison and keep him safe because…I’m guessing he wants to redeem himself and prove he’s a good guy, which in a Deadpool movie SHOULD NOT FRIGGIN MATTER because he’s a snarky, obnoxious anti-hero who should be making us laugh, not be all obsessed with redemption and saving some stupid Firesnooze kid who isn’t worth the effort.
And for some reasons, those uniformed soldiers who run the mutant prison called the Icebox are moving their prisoners to another, supermax prison. I guess so they can go on the road and give Cable a chance to attack them again.
DK: Cable pretty much destroys the entire prison, so they have to. Of course, with such maximum security in the prison, I thought moving them all in a convoy of trucks was a bit lame. Though I don’t suppose there’s any other way of doing it, since this seems to be in a different universe than the rest of the non-XMEN MCU, so no S.H.I.E.L.D. heli-transport-thingies to fly them around the globe.
LS: Deadpool finds out and plans to attack the convoy and liberate the kid, but he can’t do it alone. So, he gathers a team. Mostly of idiots. The thing is, some of these characters are actually cool in the comics, but are reduced to sight gags in the movie. There’s Bedlam (Terry Crews, BROOKLYN NINE-NINE TV series) who can short-circuit electrical currents; Zeitgiest (Bill Skarsgard, IT, 2017), who vomits acid (isn’t that what that winged girl in X-MEN: FIRST CLASS, 2011, did? They must be running out of ideas!); Vanisher, who vanishes (and we see him just once in visible form, but I’m not gonna give away who plays him); Shatterstar (Lewis Tan) who’s from another planet and has a cool name; Peter (a dad-looking guy with no super powers); and Domino (Zazie Beetz from the FX series ATLANTA), whose power is she’s super lucky. Which turns out to be much more impressive and cinematic than you’d think.
Deadpool calls this team X-Force, which is setting things up for a sequel, since X-Force is a real mutant superhero team from the comics, which includes Deadpool and Cable, but this is the beta version that Wade tests out first.
DK: This is, by far, my favorite part of the movie, as the members of the X-Force are interviewed one-by-one and then they take off to save the kid. As much as, yes, the characters are comic relief, that was exactly what this film needed. How things go wrong right off the bat is hilarious and I was roaring. Unfortunately, and I have to agree with you on this high-level complaint, there simply wasn’t enough gut laughing in this movie. Wade’s “mouth” can only carry things so far. This scene was so slapstick funny it was a ray of light (as horrible as what happens).
LS: Yeah, the assembling of X-Force is one of the things I liked a lot about this movie. It almost made up for the rest of the story. And yes, I wanted many more laughs. Isn’t that why you go to a Deadpool movie in the first place?
DK: Wade is also, in a strange way, the grown-up one in the cast, in many respects, which is a change. He’s so depressed and fed up with the world at large, one would almost expect him to be out of control and (in a DEADPOOL kind of way) the funniest one of the bunch, but this time around he really isn’t.
Beetz’s Domino is the best of the bunch, with her “lucky” powers. She carries herself well and her character has some awesome scenes.
LS: She’s a scene-stealing knockout.
So, let’s see. Firetoe is on a convoy with other mutants, along with a surprise guest star who almost makes the movie worthwhile all by himself. Cable is set on killing the kid (and boy, I wish he’d just do it already) and Deadpool and his merry band of (mostly) idiots are intent on stopping him.
DK: I have to admit, knowing why Cable is back in our time, I had to agree in principle with his mission. Deadpool’s reasons for trying to stop him are honorable, but we fall back to the “saving the one” principle which was so prevelant in INFINITY WAR (2018). Is it worth it, considering the consequence of failure? Speaking of using other movie plot points, coming back to stop a terrible killer in the future by killing him as a boy (and someone else trying to save him) is right out of LOOPER (2012) as well. I was thinking of this as DEADPOOL 2 rehashed this.
LS: Later on, Collossus (CGI character, voiced by Stefan Kapicic) comes back into the story, along with Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) from the first movie, whose only cool aspect is her name, because she doesn’t do much in this movie, and her new girlfriend, Yukio (Shioli Kutsana), who does just as little.
DK: I really wanted to see these two do more in the film. They seemed to only be there so that Yukio can be cute and wave to Wade and say hi or bye. They had one moment, but that was it. Wanted to see more of them.
LS: What, and take away from the boring plot about Firesnout? Throw in an evil orphanage run by the zealot who tortures mutant kids called, well, The Headmaster (Eddie Marsan, from the shows RAY DONOVAN and JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL, and who is totally wasted here), lots of one-liners, and a fast-moving but pointless plot, and you’ve got the makings of a sequel that takes your money and runs with it.
DK: I have something major to say about the orphanage but I’m going to hold off for a moment so we can dissect the goodness and badness of the film. I think you should start with the good, since you’ve been such a bummer so far, man.
LS: If I’m a bummer, blame the movie, not me.
Anyway, the good stuff.
Ryan Reynolds, of course, returns as Deadpool, and that, in itself should be enough to make this entire movie worthwhile, and it kinda is. He’s still the quick, funny, constantly joking, foul-mouthed hero we’ve grown to love. Even if they dampen that jokey, funny stuff with some weak, forced plot elements. There’s Josh Brolin (NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, 2007, SICARIO, 2015, and doing double duty in the MCU as Thanos in AVENGERS: INFINTIY WAR, 2018) as Cable, who has the attitude down pat! There’s Zazie Beetz as a very cool and badass Domino, and there’s that cool-ass guest star who I keep mentioning but won’t name (no, it’s not the Hulk).
DK: I almost expected it to be Hulk, but quickly remembered there’s a contractual wall between these universes. I agree, aside from my complaints above about some things, Reynolds is absolute perfection as Deadpool. When he’s done with this role, I can’t imagine anyone else coming close. As mentioned, I thought Brolin’s Cable was pretty bad-ass and plenty buffed up, but I never read the comic. Though, really, can anyone in these live-action comic films be as muscular as they draw them on paper (not counting CGI effects)?
LS: Now the bad stuff.
DK: Well, the good stuff was fun while it lasted.
LS: Our jokey, funny hero is saddled with a tragedy that stubs the movie’s toe early on, and he spends too much time feeling sorry for himself. When he starts to get his mojo back, our jokey, funny hero is saddled with a tragic kid in search of a big brother, instead of making us laugh and having a fun time for two hours. We get the debut of Cable, a bad-ass character, who spends all his time trying to re-live an Arnold Schwarzenegger film instead of getting a cooler, more original plot of his own, and who, despite being a formidable super soldier from the future, cannot kill one stupid, annoying kid.
DK: When he first tries to kill him in the prison, the way they had Deadpool relentlessly on him was realistically keeping his aim off. Usually the “convenience” of the bad guy missing the good guy is a stretch, but they did this pretty well.
LS: And we get a boring storyline about a headmaster and an evil orphanage which is never fully developed, seems tacked on, and made me yawn.
DK: OK, now I’ll jump in with a big complaint about the orphanage. When Russell and Wade first meet, he acknowledges that they “hurt” him. In flashbacks we see the headmaster regularly tortures the kids to “cure” them of their mutancy. Never is any sexual abuse admitted to or implied. Why mention this? Well, in the climactic scene—and this really isn’t giving any spoilers—X-Force fights the staff of the orphanage in very brutal, violent ways. They are constantly referred to as pedophiles (supposedly Deadpool is joking), and it became obvious, to me at least, that this was being used as a rationale in the script for the mass slaughter going on. They might have been mean, or perhaps just following orders, but calling them pedophiles so often just felt like a way of making their violent deaths justifiable.
LS: Interesting thoughts there. But you do realize that you just spent more time analyzing the orphanage subplot than the people who WROTE THE SCRIPT did. If they don’t care enough to develop the storyline, why should we?
Oh, and we get some X-Men, but it’s just Colossus (a major character unjustly ignored in the X-MEN movies), who deserves better, but since the other X-Men movies aren’t using him anyway, he might as well keep showing up for these flicks.
DK: There was a mass-cameo in one brief scene with the cast of the rebooted X-Men which I thought was very cute.
LS (laughs): I liked that, too.
There ‘s also an incredibly minor character from the comics (Negasonic Teenage Warhead) named after a cool Monster Magnet song, who does just about nothing. What, they couldn’t even get Jubilee to be in this one?
The cast is a mixed batch, too. Ryan Reynolds is still “the man” as Wade Wilson/Deadpool, Josh Brolin is cool as Cable. And Zazie Beetz is terrific as Domino. Also Morena Baccarin is still good as Wade’s girlfriend Vanessa…
DK: considering the opening scenes, she was in this a lot, though in a very limited way. She was very very underused because of this.
LS: Leslie Uggams has a few funny moments as Blind Al, Deadpool’s visually-challenged friend and sometime roommate from the first movie.
DK: Leslie Uggams? I thought Blind Al was being played by Nichelle Nichols of the original STAR TREK TV series all this time!
LS: Stefan Kapicic (as the mostly CGI Colossus) is good. As is that special guest star I mentioned, who, also, is mostly a CGI creation (and thankfully so).
T.J. Miller, the wiseass who plays Weasel, owner of the hit man bar that Deadpool hangs out in, is back, but he seems very subdued this time around. Probably because he’s had some sexual harassment allegations hurled his way in real life and they might be phasing his character out. Who knows?
DK: He was in quite a few scenes early on, I thought, and lived up to his weaselly name.
LS: And Karan Soni is back as cab driver Dopinder, who has a few funny moments, but can also be annoying. It’s not like they develop his character much over the course of the movie.
DK: Agreed. He comes across as someone who is bursting with talent, but who is vastly underused here.
LS: The rest of the cast—ahhh—I can take them or leave them, especially Julian Dennison as Firefist, who I wish Cable had taken out the first time he shows up, even if it means we don’t get to see that cool special guest star.
DK: He wasn’t the strongest actor in the bunch, but to be honest, I liked his character. Comes across well as a troubled kid right on the bursting point. Just wish he didn’t remind me so much of Buddy from THE INCREDIBLES.
LS: The direction by David Leitch is good, and mostly fast-paced. The script by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick and (guess who?) Ryan Reynolds has some great jokes and gags in it, and a lot of boring stuff thrown in to make a decidedly nihilistic anti-hero more of a warm-hearted, boring, softy who almost loses the very qualities that originally made him so damn cool.
DK: Visually it was, as always, very cool to watch. A little over the top at times with the CGI, but for what was done, you need these effects. Wade even makes a crack at one point to the effect of “here comes an awesome CGI battle.” But again, it was one of too many broken fourth walls in my opinion.
LS: More breaking the fourth wall and less “serious” plot elements would have been just fine with me.
Oh, and there’s a special scene in the end credits, and I have to admit, this is the first time I thought the whole “secret scene” thing really worked and I actually loved the results. Most of the time these things are just throwaway bits I couldn’t care less about, but this one is very funny and worth sticking around for.
DK: There are actually about three, until the regular rolling credits started (at least that’s all I stayed for). In some ways the first one was a bit of a cop out, but it left things open for hopefully a less morose script in whatever follows this film. The others were just more for the sheer humor of them, and they worked well.
LS: I don’t remember. I thought it was one long secret scene, but it could have been broken up by credits. Either way, I loved it!
Look, I love the character of Deadpool, and I really wanted to love this movie. But the lame storyline ruined my enjoyment of the film somewhat. Why did they need to water the movie down with all this extra stuff we didn’t need or want? I give this one two and a half knives.
DK: Wow, from the way you’ve been crying in your soup this whole time I’m surprised there’s even one knife from you.
LS: It’s still Deadpool, and there were times when it worked. Keep in X-Force and Cable and jettison the rest of it, and it would have been a great movie.
I wanted pure, unbridled Deadpool, but instead I got compromised, redemption-seeking, kind-of-sad Deadpool, and that was a disappointment. But Deadpool movies aren’t really about the story, are they? So why was there so much useless story jammed into this one?
Get back on track guys! I don’t want DEADPOOL 3 to be another clunker!
What did you think, Dan?
DK: I had many mixed feelings this time around, as well. For a potential franchise which built itself on breaking sterotypes of superhero movies, this one did fall into a few usual tropes, story-wise. Remember one thing, though: the first DEADPOOL actually had a plot, a climax, and resolution, which did fit into the usual Marvel fare.
LS: His origin story in that creepy lab was actually kind of boring. But the first movie got past that. This one never really outruns what’s bad about it.
DK: Everything stuffed in around it is what made it so unique. And these stuffings, though at times funny, weren’t frequent or funny enough to make DEADPOOL 2 as huge a winner as its predecessor.
Funny thing is, I was thinking two and a half knives as my rating, but I enjoyed it a lot more than you did, and you gave it as your rating. Now I have a conundrum. Do I give it three? Well, I suppose I will. If you take this film on its own merits, it was good, just not as original or carefree as the original. So, yea, three knives.
LS: Don’t wimp out. Give it the rating you want to. We just took different journeys to reach the same conclusion.
DK: Naw, I’ll stick with three.
LS: (To Audience) And that’s our review for this one. We would have pumped in more gags and jokes ourselves, but this one has gone on long enough, and I wanna go home. So, if you don’t like it, too bad.
(LS sticks out his tongue)
DK: You really did have a bad week.
LS: Just tell me how the hell you got turned into IRON DAN!
DK: Titanium. And it’s from a radioactive tick bite.